


Talk To Me

by DedicatedDetectives



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, F/F, anyway these three are my babies, please read notes at the beginning for more info, rated mature for descriptions of violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:55:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24870400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DedicatedDetectives/pseuds/DedicatedDetectives
Summary: A mission goes awry. Will it bring some true feelings to the surface?
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Amanda Rollins
Comments: 23
Kudos: 64





	1. The Mission

**Author's Note:**

> First: There are descriptions of a hostage situation, a potential shooting, guns being pointed at people, snipers, etc. I don't think it goes much further than what occurs on the show, but I wanted to announce this upfront as a potential trigger warning. For your safety, please do not read if these things will be an issue.
> 
> This is the first chapter, probably out of just two~
> 
> More stuff: Hiiiiii. I apologize for my bunches of unfinished WIPs. Here's a new idea that floated on in.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this fic about my three favorite characters and my favorite SVU ship.  
> I wrote it kinda quickly, so I apologize for potential errors.
> 
> I do not own these characters; they belong to the lovely SVU writers.
> 
> Please feel free to leave feedback!

“Now come on, Jason. No one has to get hurt.”

Olivia’s soft plead sounded smooth. She was basically an expert at hostage negotiations by this point, with how many she has been involved in. 

Even so, Amanda felt uneasy. This time, it felt like their control was slipping through the cracks.

She felt her palms start to get sweaty as she looked at their perp. Jason had a gun on their vic, Sandy, and the more Olivia talked, the more unstable he seemed. She glanced nervously over at Olivia. 

“Don’t look at each other like that!” Jason shouted suddenly. “You’re going to conspire against me!”

“That’s not what’s going on, Jason,” Olivia said calmly. “We all want the same thing here. We want all of us to get out of here without getting hurt.”

“Don’t lie!” He shouted back.

“I’m not,” Olivia whispered. “Now how about you Sandy go, and it can just be us three here figuring this out?”

“Not a chance.”

“Can you take the gun off Sandy?” Amanda chimed in. “Let her go sit over there, Jason. She’ll still be in the room, but she’ll be out of harm’s way.”

He didn’t respond, and Amanda gave him the most charming smile she could muster.

“Come on, Jason. Sandy will just go over there,” she said, glancing at the chair in the corner behind him.

Jason looked nervously between Amanda and Olivia before dropping the gun to his side. 

“Yeah, okay,” he replied, and Sandy scrambled towards the chair.

“Great, Jason. That’s great,” Olivia said, her smooth tone returning.

“ _Don’t_ patronize me!” Jason shouted.

He lifted the gun to point it at Olivia. Amanda took a breath to steady herself, hoping neither of them would notice.

“I’m not,” Olivia said quietly, opening her hands in a signal of surrender. 

Jason suddenly met Amanda’s gaze. “If she patronizes me again, I’m going to shoot her.” 

Amanda’s heart skipped a beat. 

“She won’t, Jason,” Amanda replied cooly. “We all want the same thing here, remember?”

He laughed. “I’m not getting out of here,” he replied. He took a step towards Olivia. “I might as well shoot her.”

_Goddamnit._

Amanda forced herself to take a steady breath. “Jason, believe me. You don’t want to do that.”

“No, actually, I do,” he said.

Amanda chanced a look down at his hands. His finger was shaking right above the trigger. 

“Jason, you’re smarter than that,” Amanda said.

“You know what?” Jason said, gaze still unmoving from Amanda’s. “You two are going to leave, right now. Leave me here with Sandy. Leave, and I won’t hurt either of you.”

“We can’t do that, Jason,” Amanda replied.

“You have five seconds,” Jason warned.

Amanda’s uneasy feeling multiplied tenfold. It didn’t seem like he was calling their bluff. He truly seemed serious, and his gaze—empty, glassy—threatened to give her a shiver down her spine. 

“Four,” Jason announced.

_Fuck._

Amanda didn’t want to chance Jason’s temper by breaking their eye contact to look at Olivia, but she also didn’t know what their move was going to be. She got the sense Olivia didn’t think he’d shoot.

“Three.”

Amanda forced herself to keep looking into his stare. She knew that stare. The other times she had seen it didn’t go well. Olivia remained quiet, seemingly refusing to offer Amanda any clue as to what they were going to do.

“Two.”

Amanda’s heart thudded.

“Shoot me instead!”

The frantic plea pierced the room, leaving behind a sharp silence in its wake. Amanda felt her heart smash against her sternum.

Jason raised his eyebrows at her. “Okay.”

His arms shifted a few feet, and the gun landed on Amanda.

“You want me to shoot you instead?” he asked.

She answered far quicker than she should’ve. Her mind was yelling at her to stall, but she couldn’t make her mouth agree. “Yes.”

Jason shrugged. “That sucks. I liked you better than her. But fine.” He walked the few steps that it took to stand directly in front of Amanda, gun aimed directly at her head.

In that moment, a window shattered and Jason fell to the floor. 

Amanda felt the strength completely vanish from her body, and she folded in half. 

She dropped her hands to her knees, her head hanging down. She begged her body to remain conscious, the room spinning from the combination of adrenaline and utter relief. 

She vaguely registered the repetitive sound of Olivia telling Sandy it was okay and the sound of unis telling Sandy the same thing as they led her out of the room. The next thing she fully recognized was Olivia’s hand on her bicep.

“Amanda?” She sounded fuzzy, but she felt herself focus back in.

“I’m fine,” Amanda rushed out.

“I wanted to make sure you knew that,” Olivia said, tone dripping with concern.

“Yeah, yeah,” Amanda breathed. Olivia’s concerned stare was closer than she originally registered. She took another breath. “I’m fine. You’re fine. Sandy’s fine. They must’ve gotten the right angle when he stepped towards me.”

“Let’s get out of here,” Olivia said calmly, leading Amanda out of the room with a hand in the middle of her back, passing by CSU on their way back to the squad car.

\---

Amanda beelined for the break room when they got back, wanting more than anything else to down a bottle of water. 

She had hardly taken her first swig before Sonny walked in, clearly looking for her. 

“Rollins, you okay?” he asked, brow furrowed.

“Word spreads fast around here,” she muttered back.

“Liv called and said the mission went,” he paused and looked around the room, “not great.”

Amanda took another swig of water. “Could say that.”

“She also said you had a gun on you?”

“We both did.”

“Okay,” Sonny said cautiously. “And you’re okay?”

“Fine, Carisi,” she said with a smile. She genuinely appreciated his concern, but that didn’t mean she wanted to talk about her reckless decision. That was pretty much the last thing she wanted to do.

“Okay,” he repeated just as cautiously. “But Liv also mentioned the words ‘Shoot me instead,’” he trailed off, searching for her gaze. “She was in a rush, so she didn’t explain, but..”

“Ugh,” Amanda groaned, sitting down at the break room table and putting her head in her hands. “She did?”

“Look, Rollins,” Sonny sighed, sitting down across from her. “I get it, okay? Of course I do. We’ve all done things when someone has a gun on a vic. I just wanna make sure you’re okay. Liv said he turned it on you.”

“I said I’m fine,” she replied with a weak smile. But she sighed again a moment later, giving herself away. 

“Talk to me,” Sonny urged.

Amanda ran a hand through her hair, trying to figure out how to explain to him exactly what a mess it had really been. 

Then she was saved by the bell. Well, sort of.

Olivia walked in, looking over at Sonny with an expression that made Amanda want to roll her eyes. She leaned on the counter.

“Why don’t you head home early, Rollins?” Olivia gave a half-smile. “We’re good here.”

“I’m fine, Liv,” Amanda argued. “Seriously.”

“I believe you,” Olivia countered. 

“You do?” Sonny asked skeptically. Amanda did roll her eyes that time.

“I do, but I still think that’s enough work for one day.” Her tone had an air of finality.

“Got it, Captain,” Amanda said, standing up. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Olivia looked content and returned to her office. Amanda began making her way back to the squad room as well.

“I’ll drive you,” Sonny offered. 

“Yeah, sure,” Amanda said, even though he wasn’t asking. “Thanks.”

As they got off the elevator and headed outside, Amanda glanced at him. “I hope you know that you aren’t taking me home.”

“You’re right. I’m taking you to get something to eat.”

“At a bar, I hope,” Amanda looked at him again.

“Yeah, okay,” Sonny said, smiling back at her. “But that means you’re stuck with me all evening, till I actually drive you home.”


	2. A Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny tries to get Amanda to talk about it. What will she admit to?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I was wrong. There will be at least three chapters. 
> 
> I love writing this pair. And vulnerable Amanda? *chef's kiss*
> 
> As always, I do not own these characters. They belong to the lovely SVU writers.
> 
> Please feel free to leave feedback.<3

Amanda walked up to the bar after plopping down in a booth with Sonny. They had only been there a few minutes, but she already finished her first beer and wanted another, paying no mind to the concerned look Sonny shot her. She caught the bartender’s attention, and it seemed like maybe she had done so a little too well. 

The man behind the bar had dark brunette hair, lots of scruff and brown eyes to match— attractive features. He obviously looked Amanda up and down before meeting her gaze. Amanda would have probably been flattered if she was in any kind of mood other than self-critical. Brown eyes tended to take the edge off any romantic pursual; they drew her in. She sighed.

“What can I get ya?” he asked, charming smile on his lips.

“Sam Adams.”

“Glass?”

“Nah.”

The man turned around to grab it, promptly putting it on the counter. He glanced over Amanda’s shoulder.

“That guy your boyfriend?”

Amanda shook her head. She would be amused if she wasn’t so deep in her own head. “No.”

He glanced at the beer and back up at Amanda. “On me.”

Amanda offered little more than a nod of thanks before turning and walking back to their booth.

“What was that?” Sonny asked, sounding only half-interested.

She sipped the drink in answer. “On the house.”

“Ah,” Sonny hummed. “Think that would work for me too? You and me have similar features.”

Amanda chuckled in earnest. “I don’t think so, bud.”

“Damn.”

Amanda laughed again.

“Laugh all you want. Cute bartenders never buy me drinks,” Sonny complained. “It must be so nice being a woman. Aside from all the systemic mistreatment, misogyny, rape culture, glass ceiling, unwanted advances..”

“So, all of it,” Amanda said, amused.

“Right,” Sonny replied. “All in the name of free drinks.”

“Right,” Amanda smiled and took a sip of her free beer.

“You should eat something.”

“I’m really not hungry.”

“That sounds like a you problem,” Sonny said, picking up a menu. “I’m ordering us something to split, and you’re gonna eat it.”

Amanda rolled her eyes. “You know I’m fine, right?”

“Mhm,” Sonny absent-mindedly hummed while flipping the menu over. “I’m gonna go order us some nachos. We’d probably be better off if you did it, but I know you won’t. Prince Charming over there will probably overcharge me for fuck’s sake.”

Amanda smiled as he got up and walked to the bar. Sonny really was the perfect balance of caring and annoying. He looked out for her, but he also said it like it was.

He came back with another beer for both of them, and she thanked him. She had just finished hers.

“Last one for me,” Sonny said, taking a swig. “I’m still driving tonight.” Amanda hummed in response. Sonny occupied himself with something on his phone for a few minutes. Amanda didn’t mind the quiet. The bartender dropped off their nachos, shooting Amanda a smile she only kind of returned. 

“So,” Sonny said around a bite of nachos, “You wanna talk?”

Amanda sighed, running a hand into her hair. She took a bite too. “Huh. These are good. Thanks.”

Sonny hummed. “When we talked earlier, it seemed like there was something unsaid. Something bothering you.”

“Yeah, I mean, the whole thing was a shitshow,” Amanda started. “I could tell we had no control over the situation. It went bad fast.”

“That’s something I don’t miss,” Sonny admitted. “That shit really scared me, all the time.”

“Yeah, it fucking sucks.”

“Did you think he was gonna shoot Sandy?”

Amanda paused. This was the part she didn’t want to correct him about. She decided to stall.

“I’m gonna get one more,” she said, pushing her empty bottle to the side. Sonny nodded.

“Another?” the bartender asked, smiling. Amanda nodded. 

“You look like you’re having a rough night,” he said, and Amanda held off from rolling her eyes. Wasn’t a compliment.

“Yeah, kinda.”

He smiled sympathetically. “On me again. Let me know if I can do anything else for ya, sweetheart.” 

Amanda somehow held off on rolling her eyes, again. She sat back down across from Sonny. She decided to get it over with now.

“I didn’t think he was going to shoot Sandy,” Amanda said quietly. 

“Really?” Sonny asked. “How’d you know?”

“Because Sandy was behind him, in the corner of the room,” Amanda said around a sigh. “He didn’t have the gun pointed anywhere near her direction.”

Sonny narrowed his eyes. “How’d she get there?”

“I convinced him to let her get out of harm’s way. We had a bit of a rapport. It was the last even relatively sane decision he made.” She paused. “Idiot,” she added bitterly. She didn’t want the kid to die, but once he was going to shoot Liv, well, there wasn’t much choice.

“So..” Sonny said, less as a conversation prompt and more as a genuine effort to picture how the whole scenario went down.

“I don’t know what the problem was, but he didn’t like Olivia. Every thing she said, he got closer to snapping. It’s been a while since I’ve felt that out of control in a hostage situation, if ever.”

“Damn,” Sonny sympathized. “So he didn’t have the gun on Sandy?”

“Not by that point,” Amanda answered, and she heard her voice break as she continued. “It was on Liv.”

Sonny stared at her, brow furrowed. “He said he was going to shoot Olivia?”

“Yeah, it was like he was taunting me. Staring right at me, telling me he was going to shoot her. His fingers were shaking all over the place. I didn’t know if I was more scared that he’d do it on purpose or on accident.”

“Shit,” Sonny said, shaking his head, eyes on the table.

Amanda paused for a long moment. “It was like—”

He looked back up at her. “Like what?”

“Like—” Amanda felt like her throat was filling with glue. It was hard to get the words out. “He knew.” 

A tear fell, travelling down her cheek, much to her horror. She quickly swiped it away. Sonny’s gaze was concerned, smothering. She wiped away another tear. 

“I need some air,” she said, standing up. Her tone sounded more desperate than she expected. “Can we talk outside, please?”

“Yeah,” Sonny said, lanky limbs quickly removed from the booth. “Yeah, of course.” 

He followed her outside and stopped short next to her as she leaned against the brick wall of the building.

“What did he know?” Sonny asked, searching for her gaze.

“That, that was the one way to make me completely lose my shit,” Amanda said, gaze unfocused as she looked past him.

“Amanda, that’s a completely understandable reason to freak out,” Sonny said, tone calm. “He was threatening to shoot a fellow officer.”

“Yeah, but—” Amanda ran both hands through her hair, eyes on the ground. The pacing of her breath was threatening to lead her to sobbing if she couldn’t get her tears under control. She felt her heart race at what she was about to say.

Sonny put a hand on her shoulder. “What? It’s okay.”

“It was Liv,” Amanda said, voice breaking again. Her tears fell with renewed gusto. She looked up at him. “You have to understand, Sonny. He was counting down. I— I couldn’t. I can’t even— Not with the way I feel about her. I can’t imagine—”

Understanding flashed in his eyes, and he pulled her to his chest. 

He ran a hand up and down her back. “You told him to shoot you instead because of your feelings for Olivia?”

He felt her nod. 

“It’s okay,” he whispered. 

“I’m an idiot,” she gasped out. 

“Amanda, listen to me. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

He felt her nod again, and he kept rubbing her back. “It’s okay.”


	3. The Stress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda prepares for the inevitable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I was wrong again. There will be four chapters. I'm sticking to it this time, too. (Lol).
> 
> This is a bit of a filler chapter, so I apologize, but I think we all needed to get a lil taste of Amanda's life. Poor Amanda.
> 
> I also want to sincerely apologize for all of my unfinished WIPs. I just get so many ideas and think "I better write that before it leaves this dang brain of mine!" But I do want to finish this one soon, so consider it a goal of mine. Sorry for any mistakes in this.
> 
> Thank you for so much kind feedback. It makes me smile.
> 
> Also, as per usual, slight warning for mature language. Because obviously, if I'm writing Amanda.
> 
> I don't own these characters; they belong to the lovely SVU writers.

Amanda groaned as her alarm went off. She picked her phone up to shut it off and opened a text Sonny had sent her 45 minutes ago. _Jesus, does he ever sleep?_

She decided to ask him. Then she actually read his message. 

“Hey, I hope you were able to get some shut eye. I think Olivia will probably want to talk about everything today, so be prepared. Remember though, everything will be okay. Text if you need me.”

That was something that actually worked in her favor. After quite a few beers and such an intense crying session, she was able to fall asleep almost immediately after Sonny dropped her off. One Advil, one glass of water, and boom. No hangover and only— she flipped her phone camera on briefly— slightly puffy eyes. She flipped back to her messages and thanked Sonny, both for the reminder and for everything last night. “You’re a good friend,” she added as a third message before locking her phone and groaning as she stood up to find something to wear for the day.

Amanda stopped for coffee on her way to the precinct, desperately needing it. She clicked the camera on her phone again as she stood in line. Her eye makeup was light, but her face had a bit more than normal. She decided it would do the trick as long as she didn’t cry again. The thought made her cringe, so she locked her phone again and took a deep breath. She was still thinking about the day ahead of her when she got to the front of the line, so she ordered a cup for Olivia too. 

As she picked them both up, she glanced at her watch and hurried toward the exit. _Damnit._ She rushed to the precinct. When she stepped out of the elevator, Fin and Kat were walking towards it. They had caught a case and were on the way to Mercy to talk to the vic.

“You need me?” she asked, glancing at Fin.

“Nah,” he replied. “It sounds pretty cut and dry. Cap said she needs you, though.”

Amanda’s heart dropped, but she nodded. “Thanks.”

She paused at her desk to arrange her things, shrugging her coat off before turning on her computer. She heard a brief click and didn’t need to look up to expect what came next. 

“Amanda,” Olivia said, leaning against the door frame to her office, arms crossed. “Can I see you?”

Amanda swallowed and looked down to grab Olivia’s coffee, leaving her own behind. There was a vague feeling of nausea in her that she didn’t want to encourage. When she walked into the office, her eyes met Olivia’s, and she nodded at the door. Amanda turned to shut it, and, hands shaking, slammed it shut the rest of the way, starling herself. “Sorry,” she mumbled, before moving to sit in front of Olivia’s desk, resting the coffee cup on her knee. 

“Are you alright, Amanda?” Olivia asked, concerned.

“Yeah,” Amanda said, despite shifting nervously in the chair and running a hand through her hair. The motions made her spill a bit of the coffee on her pant leg. “Damnit,” she mumbled, wiping it with her still-shaking hand. She looked up at Olivia again, who was already looking at her intently. “This is for you,” she placed the coffee on the desk in between them. “I almost forgot.” She was pretty sure Olivia saw her fingers shake, but she hoped anyway that she didn’t. 

“Thank you,” Olivia said plainly, pulling the cup closer to her. “Did you get some rest last night?”

“Yeah, I did,” Amanda replied. “It, uh, it was good. Thank you for letting me go early.”

“Of course,” Olivia said. “I was a little worried about you.”

“I could tell,” Amanda said, before she fully realized what she was saying. “Unless it’s standard protocol to immediately inform the ADA of what your partner said during the mission?”

Olivia gave her a slightly disapproving look. “The only reason I called Carisi was because I wanted someone to look out for you.” 

Amanda just nodded.

“I’ll admit I was worried. And I knew you wouldn’t let me look out for you.”

Amanda’s eyes shot back up. She focused on keeping her face unreadable. Because really? Part of her thought that sounded absolutely perfect. But another part of her knew she would never let her guard down around Olivia like that. It wouldn’t lead anywhere good. 

“Well, thank you,” Amanda conceded instead. “I’m okay though.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Olivia smiled slightly. “But unfortunately, I’m not sure I believe you.”

Amanda stared at her. “I’m not sure what you want me to say.”

“Well I was hoping we could talk about what happened yesterday,” Olivia said calmly. “And about what you said.”

“Liv, I promise I’m fine,” Amanda said, running a hand through her hair and standing up. “It wasn’t anything like that. I don’t need a psych eval. It was just a thing said to a perp during a case.”

Olivia followed suit, standing up behind her desk. “And I appreciate you saying that, but we still need to discuss this.”

“Really, Liv, it’s nothing,” Amanda rushed out.

“Nothing?” This was the first thing Olivia said that didn’t sound calm, and it caught Amanda’s attention. “ _Nothing?_ You told a perp with a loaded gun to shoot you, Amanda. Less than 24 hours ago. Right next to me. Two feet away. We _need_ to talk about this.”

Amanda had already stopped moving, and she looked at Olivia as she took a deep breath. “Yeah,” she exhaled. “Guess we should.”

Olivia motioned towards the couch, and they moved to sit down, knees angled towards each other, as Amanda ran another hand through her hair, preparing for the worst. She recognized Olivia’s mannerisms from when she dealt with vics, which wasn’t a great starting point. But to be fair, she wasn’t exactly being herself. Normally, it’s easy to be relaxed around Olivia—to be herself and not worry. She was never nervous like this. And although her feelings for Olivia weren’t exactly new, she had never made a slip like she did yesterday. She didn’t want to have to tell Olivia what she told Sonny, and she was going to do everything in her power to avoid it. But it was one hell of a slip.


	4. The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia and Amanda talk about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :')
> 
> You all are super kind, and I appreciate all of your encouragement and kind words. I'm so sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up! I really struggled with it for some reason, but I think (hope) I've gotten it to fit the two of them decently well. Again, I truly appreciate you all, and your comments make my day.
> 
> Continued trigger warning for discussion of hostage situation, shooting, panic, etc.
> 
> Poor Amanda, in far too deep.
> 
> I do not own these characters; they belong to the lovely SVU writers.
> 
> I truly hope you enjoy!

“Do you want to start at the beginning?” Olivia asked, giving Amanda a half smile.

“Sure,” Amanda said after a deep breath, starting to regain her composure. She could explain it like this. It was like Olivia knew how she’d do best, and she caught Olivia smiling a little more sincerely. “I felt like I had a bit of a rapport with the kid. From when I questioned him the first time. So I was trying to use that to our advantage in there.” Olivia hummed in agreement. “And it became clear, very quickly, that he wasn’t your fan, for whatever reason.”

Olivia chuckled. “I seem to have that effect on people.”

“Oh please,” Amanda chuckled too. “Only with the guys who know they’re screwed.” Olivia’s smile was fond. “So I, uh, realized I would have to be the one to get Sandy out of there. And he agreed to it, so that was good.”

“That was a good move,” Olivia agreed.

“But once my initial goal was accomplished, I felt our control slipping away really fast. It reminded me of that case we worked at the beginning of the year, when the perp had the vic, me and Sonny alone in that parking garage. And once that was in my head, I guess I couldn’t get it out,” Amanda exhaled. “His eyes were the same. I knew shit was about to get worse.” She looked up at Olivia. “Pardon my French.”

“Please,” Olivia shrugged her apology off, but she looked thoughtful. “I hadn’t noticed the parallels between Jason and Blake.”

“I _knew_ he was going to shoot, Liv,” Amanda said urgently. “I just had that feeling.” Olivia nodded but didn’t voice an opinion. “I mean, I had no idea what you were thinking. I couldn’t read you. So I guess I,” she sighed, “I guess I felt a little alone in the decision making. That, and the _urgency_ I felt, I guess it didn’t leave me in the best headspace. I’m not saying it was smart of me to intervene how I did. I’m just saying why I did it.” She paused longer this time, waiting for Olivia to speak. That was about as open as she was getting without anything in return.

She saw Olivia work the inside of her cheek for a moment in thought. “I see where you’re coming from,” Olivia said. “Thank you for explaining that.” Amanda just nodded, grateful she didn’t feel like a complete shaky mess anymore. “I would never want you to feel alone in a situation like that. I was only hanging back because you were doing well. As you said, you had somewhat of a rapport. And I trust you. But I appreciate you saying that, because now I better know what to look out for in situations like that.”

“It’s not on you, Liv,” Amanda disagreed.

“In a way, it is. And that shouldn’t make you feel guilty. I’m your guys’ captain,” Olivia said. “And although I try, I can’t always read your minds.”

Amanda gave her a small smile. “That may be for the best.” It was almost nerve-wracking how at ease Olivia made her feel, how easily she got her to open up.

Olivia gave a similar smile back. “Maybe. So maybe you can explain instead what happened next?”

That uneasy feeling came back. “I mean, it was the same thing I described. I felt everything slipping. Fast. I’m sure you saw it: His hands were shaking so badly, right over the trigger. With the gun pointed at you. I just. I just had a feeling in my gut that he was gonna shoot you. I mean, you talk about me saying whatever right next to you. I thought he was going to _shoot_ you, Liv, right next to me. Then the counting down, the shaking, I—” Amanda paused, and to her surprise, she had to catch her breath. She went to run a hand through her hair, and her shaking fingers were back, caught in a strand of her hair. She pulled them back to her lap. “Sorry, I—” She tried to take a deep breath.

“Hey, hey,” Olivia said softly, reaching a hand over to cover Amanda’s interlocked fingers. “It’s okay. Take a moment to breathe. It’s okay to feel this way after a stressful case. But we’re both alright.” 

Amanda nodded, grateful that she felt the onset of a panic attack fading away, but very conscious of her shaking hands below Olivia’s and the beat her heart skipped when they touched. “Sorry, Liv,” Amanda consciously took a breath to steady herself. “Sorry. I’m not sure why I’m, uh, being like this.” 

Olivia’s expression could only be described as patient. “There’s no need to apologize.” Amanda took another deep breath and gave Olivia half a smile. “It wasn’t a good situation yesterday. You’re justified in feeling like this.”

“How are you feeling about it?” Amanda asked. 

Olivia looked like the question surprised her. “Well,” she sighed, “I didn’t love it. And I don’t like seeing you like this.” Her eye contact was steady. “But I do think we were reading the situation differently. I was much more confident that he wouldn’t shoot. But I’ll admit that I’ve been told I act comfortable for too long in those situations. It could do me good to be a little more urgent when a gun is on me, I guess.” It sounded like she meant the ending as a joke, but her tone didn’t quite reach light.

“Olivia, I really thought he was about to shoot you,” Amanda stressed, but then her voice dropped a bit quieter. “And that wasn’t something I could handle.”

“Tell me what you mean,” Olivia urged, just as softly.

“I mean,” Amanda’s eyes briefly flicked around the room. “You’re our captain, you know?”

“That’s exactly why, if one of us had to get shot yesterday, it should have been me.”

“No, Liv,” Amanda countered, looking down at their hands. “Don’t say that.”

“I’m here to protect our vics and our team as best as I can,” Olivia said, tone serious. “That certainly includes you.”

“Liv, not with everything Noah has gone through recently. I was thinking about him, too. You just got him back.”

“Amanda,” Olivia said just above a whisper. “You have two little girls who need you.”

“Yeah,” Amanda agreed. “I was thinking about them too.” She couldn’t help it; she wiped away a tear. 

“Your protectiveness makes you a great detective. But sometimes, you have to put yourself first.”

“Letting you get shot wouldn’t have been putting myself first,” Amanda said matter-of-factly, glancing down at their hands, feeling her pulse pick up a few beats. She couldn’t believe she was this deep into this conversation. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Still, she continued. She had to know. “I care about you too much.” She took an unsteady breath and looked back up.

Olivia took a deep breath too, eyes also dropping down. The silence hung for what felt like ages. Amanda’s heart was pounding now. 

“Have you considered, even for a second, Amanda, that maybe I care about you just as much?” Olivia whispered, looking at her with tear-brimmed eyes.

“I—” Amanda didn’t know what to say. She could hardly hear her own thoughts over the insistent sound of her heart thudding.

“I don’t want to think about my life without you in it, either,” Olivia said.

Amanda’s head spun. _Either._ She hadn’t said that, even though she was thinking it. Olivia and her were on the same page? Her heart beat so hard she wondered if it was audible. 

She felt her fingers twitch, and she pulled them away from Olivia’s. She watched as Olivia’s gaze moved to her hand resting alone on the couch in between them. It hurt Amanda to see her misunderstand her movement, but she couldn’t make herself move as she intended. When Olivia spoke, her tone was serious, professional. Very, very concerned.

“Amanda, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said—” 

That did it. It made Amanda move. 

Olivia was cut off, by Amanda— heart pounding, flushed Amanda— threading fingers in her hair until she was cradling her head. Olivia leaned into the touch.

Amanda’s eyes met beautiful brown for only a moment before leaning in and kissing her— solidly, longingly. 

She pulled back, hoping Olivia would reciprocate and lean in next. Instead, she felt Olivia’s forehead bump hers and a sharp intake of breath.

“Oh, Amanda,” Olivia whispered. She sounded sad, and Amanda’s eyes searched hers. 

“Liv?” Amanda’s heart was still thudding, and she hated how desperate she sounded to her own ears.

“You just told me you were willing to risk your life for mine.” There was a pause. “And I told you I didn’t want to live without you.”

Amanda stayed quiet, focusing on Olivia’s heavy breath and the slight tremble on her lip. She forced herself to breathe.

“This is.. a huge abuse of power.”

“No,” Amanda shook her head against Olivia’s. “ _I_ kissed you.” Olivia’s eyes shut. “And I want to do it again, Liv.”

When Olivia reopened her eyes, her gaze landed directly on Amanda’s mouth. Amanda felt like she could feel the tension thickening the air around them. 

“Olivia, if we both want this..” Amanda trailed off as Olivia’s gaze raised.

“I can’t allow us to put ourselves in a position where we could make a reckless decision for the other while working a case,” Olivia answered. “And that doesn’t even touch on how guilty I would feel. Taking advantage of you as your superior officer..” Olivia dropped her head into her hands, breaking all physical contact.

Amanda felt her heart skip a beat, and the tears she was trying to will off felt a lot stronger all of a sudden.

“This isn’t like that, Liv,” Amanda insisted. “My feelings, the way I care about you, it’s real. You’re not taking advantage of me, Liv. I—” She paused and forced herself to take a deep breath.

“I swear this isn’t personal. It’s because I’m your captain, and I never,” she sighed. “I never should’ve said what I said. I shouldn’t have let this get here.”

“I want this, Olivia. And if you do too, then _please_ , let’s figure it out.”

There was a long pause, and it didn’t seem like Olivia was going to answer, so Amanda leaned forward and pulled her into a hug. With her chin resting on Olivia’s shoulder, she spoke without having to meet her eyes. “If you just got caught up, it’s okay. I’m not going to push you. But my feelings have been here, and they aren’t going away. So if you want to try this somehow, the ball’s in your court, okay?” Amanda held Olivia’s head again as she lightly kissed her hair before pulling back and standing up. “I’m gonna meet Fin and Kat at Mercy, okay?” Olivia looked up and nodded, expression looking more worried than anything. “I’m here for you, no matter what happens, okay, Liv?” Olivia nodded again, and ran a hand under her eye. “Okay,” Amanda said with a sad smile before walking out and shutting the door behind her. 

She put her coat back on as she was walking to the elevator, and her hands were at her face before the door even shut, catching her eyes’ moisture as her head fell back against the metallic wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not an Olivia Benson Forehead Kiss, but somehow this hurts even more than one of those? Sorry. :c


End file.
